Wilderness

Through the lush undergrowth
she treads.
Watching,
waiting,
praying for a sign of life.
A moment that could tell her
she's not alone.
Something to remind her
she has not been gone too long,
she cannot walk in too deep,
her compass still points true north.

A flower,
bending towards the sun.
A branch,
breaking under the weight of decay.
A leaf,
scattered about in the most reckless of ways.

There it is,
yet again.
Reckless.
It used to mean everything.
Everything she once was,
Everything she longed to be.

Where was the value of it lost?

Somewhere,
in the wilderness.

You'll never be ready

Since becoming an adult, I feel as if everyone always talks about "when you're ready."

"You'll know when you're ready..."

"Are you really ready to date?"

"Maybe you're just not ready to get engaged..."

"Marriage is serious. You need to ask yourself if you're really ready!" "Kids are a lifetime commitment. I'm not sure if you're ready..."

"Are you really ready to move across the country to take that job?"

I have no problem with many of these statements, but it is the heart behind the "when you're ready" sentiment that often irks me. For some reason, I always sense a large undertone of "you're not ready" behind their actual statement. It is like a Southern woman saying, "Bless her little heart, she just gained so much weight!"

I think that in many things, readiness is a myth. What does it mean to be "ready"? Are you only ready to get married when you want to stop partying all night, sleeping around, and keep a job for longer than a year? Are you only ready to have kids when you have been married for 2.5 years, had lots of *ahem* practice, and prepared to lose your sanity in the midst of poop-covered madness? Now, please do not misunderstand me. I am not saying that we should jump hastily into situations that we are truly not capable of enduring with God's grace. Four years ago, I thought that I was ready for marriage. I was very, very, VERY wrong. I am well-aware that there are certain things in life that we can be ready for.

However, I believe that sometimes we can be so focused on the "getting ready" that we forget to lean on Jesus and let Him have His way. God has asked me to do plenty of audacious things. In almost every circumstance, I have replied with something along the lines of "...but I'm not ready, Lord!" Please tell me that I'm not the only one who has heard God say something along the lines of "Suck it up. Stop waiting around to 'be ready.'"

A wise counselor once told me that I suffered from "paralysis by analysis." I will think...and think...and think...and think some more about a situation until I am so far deep in thought that I never really address it, or I'm just too scared. God has been dealing with my issues of control for many years now and continuously has to remind me that I need to let Him do His thing. Every time I try to grasp the pen out of His hand to write my own story, He takes it away. It's not always an easy lesson. In fact, it's usually very painful. He knows that experience is the best teacher.

I've come to the conclusion that His way is always the best way. It's the best way when I don't understand it. It's the best way when I don't think His timing is right. It's the best way when it hurts. It's the best way when it seems to contradict everything I've felt before.

My mantra from this point forward is "Lord, I'm ready. Come and do whatever You want to do."

Redemption Story

Anywhere you look in the world, there is evidence of deep pain. Natural disasters, shootings in nightclubs, freak accidents on beaches, heartaches, loss...you name it. Most of us have experienced deep pain through things in our lives that we would never care to experience again. "Put the past behind you and let yourself move forward," they say. Well, what if it isn't so easy? What if God is trying to use your painful past to write your redemption story?

Those of you that know me well know that my relational history is anything but perfect. Co-dependency, lies, abuse, neglect, cheating, and so much more. I went through hell time and time again, only to be left empty, brokenhearted, and longing for something that men were not able to provide me. (Note: By no means am I denying fault in any of my past relationships. I know that I am not perfect and have caused a fair amount of pain to others.)

For so long, I refused to give it over to God. I thought that my past made me broken and that I wasn't able to be fixed. I would always be "damaged." It took a few years of dedicated singleness for Him to show me that He could provide everything that I had been looking for: companionship, loyalty, love, sacrifice, and satisfaction. I had been drinking from the wrong well and spending all of my time being angry with God for allowing me to remain thirsty. I spent countless nights sobbing in the bottom of my closet, crying out for God to allow me to feel whole again.

From that broken place, He began a renewing work in my heart. He began to show me how much He loved me, how high of a price He paid for me, how valuable He believed I was, and how I wasn't damaged goods. My time spent alone with Jesus (sans-dating) allowed me to see Him as the ultimate picture of love.

Enter dating again. Everything that seemed so simple before began to be murky and unclear again. I began asking myself the age-old questions again:

"Am I really worth it?"

"Will I ever be able to trust again?"

"Is he in this for the wrong reasons?"

"Is he lying to me, cheating on me, or stringing me along?"

All of that peace and contentment that I found in Christ alone came crashing down around me. However, I stood in the face of every single one of those insecurities and lies and I smashed it with a truth that God wrote to me in one of his love letters:

"I am chosen by God and he delights in me."

"I have been made new and given the new clothes of Christ."

"God paid a high price for me and I have value."

"God has sealed up all of my broken places and made me whole again."

"Nothing can separate me from the love of Jesus."

Guess what? I got hurt again. Honestly, it hurt worse than it had before I fell passionately in love with Jesus. I became angry with God (again) for allowing me to fall for someone and have my heart stomped on. However, you know what He told me? "Beloved, I never promised you a life that would be easy or pain-free. You were made in my image. Look at my life. Look at the hurt I experienced and the suffering I endured at the cross for you. It was worth every drop of sweat, every ounce of blood, and every tear. You were worth it. You still are."

I learned the tough lesson that falling in love with Jesus and with someone who loves Him, too, doesn't keep you from getting hurt. However, it provides me with a safety net that will never allow me to drive myself to the deep, dark place that I went before. It reminds me that, at the end of the day, Jesus still loves me and that is enough. Let that sink in -- He is enough. Through this lesson, I began to encounter situations that brought forth extreme amounts of pain, anxiety, and depression in my life. God began to bring people, places, and things into my path that reminded me so much of the past that I felt like I was in my own personal hell. However, through all of that torment and pain, I began to see that He was so purposeful in bringing me full-circle. I was able to make new memories, conquer fears, and remind myself that my past has no power over my future. I began to be able to share my redemption story with others from a place of freedom instead of brokenness. I began to see what God meant when he told me so many years ago that "Experiential knowledge cannot be replaced with head knowledge. You have to allow Me to give you new experiences."

Now, I'm able to be in a relationship with healthy expectations and interactions, knowing that no matter what happens, I'm going to be okay. There is so much freedom knowing that God has a plan for my life -- and a good one, at that! He promises to prosper me, not to harm me, to give me hope, and a future! He is so faithful to His Word. I am free from the lie that says I need someone to make me happy. I am free from the lie that says what a man says about me determines how I value myself. I am free from the lie that says I have to have everything planned out before I allow myself to enjoy it. I am free from the lie that says if I open my heart, it's just going to get crushed. I am free from the lie that says that if I allow myself to be vulnerable that I will regret it.

God is writing my redemption story and it is full of freedom.

The Heart of God: Giving

"If [God] has made you for a giver, your hands are born open, and so is your heart; and though there may be times when your hands are empty, your heart is always full, and you can give things out of that." - Frances Hodgson Burnett

As we enter into the holiday season, I have begun to hear the murmur of gift-giving stress.

"What am I going to buy her?"

"He's so hard to shop for!"

"I'm not sure that I have enough money to give gifts this year."

"What she wants is way too expensive."

"I just want his gift to be perfect!"

"He gave me something. Now I have to give him something."

I hate the fact that something that is supposed to be heart-warming and done with love has now become a task that we do less than cheerfully, if not resentfully. Many Christians have their own (strong) opinions on gift-giving.

"Santa is a great tradition, as long as it doesn't distract from the true meaning of Christmas."

"Santa is a demonic practice in which we teach children that lying is okay."

"Excessive gift-giving creates spoiled, entitled children that aren't thankful for anything."

"I have the money to buy my kids lots of gifts. Why not?"

"Christmas trees are a tribute to a pagan fertility God and I refuse to put one in my home."

"Christmas trees are a beautiful thing to put in my living room. They carry many happy memories and traditions."

Brothers and sisters, we all have our own beliefs and personal convictions. However, I do believe that God has a lot to say on the subject of giving. Giving is mentioned 1,043 times in the Bible. Let's read over some scriptures that talk about giving to God and to others.

Every man shall give as he is able. (Deuteronomy 16:17)

He that has two coats, let him to give to one that has none. (Luke 3:11)

Each one must do just as he has purposed in his heart, not under compulsion. God loves a cheerful giver. (2 Corinthians 9:7)

Then the people rejoiced because they had offered so willingly, for they made their offering to the Lord with a whole heart. (2 Chronicles 29:9)

Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it. (Proverbs 3:27)

He who is generous will be blessed. (Proverbs 22:9)

Give, and it will be given unto you. They will pour down into your lap a good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over. For by your standard of measure it will be measured to you in return. (Luke 6:38)

Whether or not it comes naturally for you to give to others, we are called to do so. Our God gave us the Ultimate Gift (His Son) and we are made in His image. However, gift-giving doesn't have to be material items. God asks us to give of our:

time

talents

treasures

I challenge you to find ways to give of your time during this busy season. I know that it is difficult to find time between the holiday parties, craft nights, Christmas plays, and church activities, but please do. Please find time to give to God by resting in Him. Please find time to give to others by serving them.

I challenge you to find ways to give of your talents. God has blessed us all with many talents that we should be glorifying Him with. Are you an amazing singer? Go caroling at your local nursing home. It will bring smiles to faces that may not otherwise feel the Christmas joy this season. Are you a great organizer? Find a charity that is planning for an event and see what you can do to help. Are you great at meeting new people? Go out and evangelize the Gospel!

I challenge you to find ways to give of your treasures. Look, I get it. Money is a difficult thing to talk about and we tend to be stingy with it. Guess what? It's not yours. Did you hear me? The money in your possession is not yours to be stingy with. It is God's money! He gave it to you. (Every good and perfect gift is from above. [James 1:17]) I'm not just talking about tithing. Pray and ask God where He wants you to steward your finances. It could be to the homeless man on the corner, to the family next door that can't afford to buy their children presents, or to your co-worker that is trying to pay off her medical bills.

Beloved, I pray that we long for the heart of God amidst the craziness of this season. God's heart for us is that we would give as freely as He gave. Would you pray with me?

Help us, Lord, to be good stewards of what you have given us. Help us to cheerfully give of our time, talents, and treasures. Give us the heart to give in order to be more like you, instead of giving with the expectation of receiving. Create in us pure hearts, Lord. Help us to stay focused on what is true, noble, honorable, just, pure, lovely, and commendable. Fuel our desire for Your Spirit to work in us and through us. Cleanse away any impurities and unrighteousness within us. Remind us of the perfect Gift that You gave us. Amen.

Transparency.

She's beautiful. Her hair is done, her makeup is perfect, she has on the cutest clothes, carries the newest handbag, and her shoes are on point. He is handsome. He has a great job, looks that could kill, confidence for miles, and the best car on the market. They walk into your church, your job, your local coffee shop. They look like they have it all together. They even act like they have it all together.

Little do you know that in the presence of Jesus, they are facing fear, guilt, and shame on every level. They feel damaged, broken, unworthy, unloved, unwanted, rejected, abused, and afraid. They are afraid to tell anyone close to them, just in case admitting it will actually make it worse.

I am currently facing a very difficult time in my life. I am angry, depressed, fearful, confused, and flat out exhausted. It has been a battle for me to not go home, eat (if I feel like it), and cry myself to sleep, never once letting Christ bear my burden. I have a belief that The Lord won't love me if I tell Him how I feel, much less let Him try and mend my broken heart. Not only am I experiencing those emotions towards other people and myself, but also towards God. That's right -- I said it. I am angry with God. God is confusing me.

That. Is. OKAY.

For too long, I believed that I couldn't be honest with God. I felt as if I had to be the perfect me. (God probably had a good, long chuckle about that.) It wasn't until I had literally everything stripped from me and I was flat on my face at the foot of the cross so full of emotion that I was able to be honest with God. I told Him how much I hated Him. I told Him that I believed that He didn't have good things for me. I told Him that I felt like He abandoned me.

Guess what? God can handle your raw emotion. He did it for me. He also did it for His Son.

Jesus wept. Jesus got angry. Jesus was confused. Jesus was hurting. He was the Son of God and He still wasn't exempt from emotions.

It is my heart's desire to create a culture in which people don't have to hide. Trust me, I know that it is scary. It's actually downright terrifying to bare your soul in front of strangers (or sometimes even friends). Beloved, there is freedom in transparency. When we constantly feel like we have to hide our "true selves" from others, we begin to do the same thing with The Lord. God wants us to be honest with Him. In fact, He already knows it any way!

What if we created an atmosphere in which people were not afraid to express their feelings? Their hurts? Their past? Their longings? Their disbelief? Isaiah 61 says that The Lord has come to bind up the brokenhearted, to set the captives free, to comfort those who mourn, and to restore places that were long-devastated.

Are we willing to admit that we are brokenhearted so that He can heal us?

Are we willing to admit that we're in bondage so that he can free us?

Are we willing to admit that we are mourning so that He can comfort us?

Are we willing to admit that we have some devastated places so that He can restore them?

John 8:32 says that Truth sets people free. I want to be free. I want you to be free. I must be honest with God and others so that I can receive the Truth.

This is where the hiding stops. This is where transparency begins.