Redemption Story

Anywhere you look in the world, there is evidence of deep pain. Natural disasters, shootings in nightclubs, freak accidents on beaches, heartaches, loss...you name it. Most of us have experienced deep pain through things in our lives that we would never care to experience again. "Put the past behind you and let yourself move forward," they say. Well, what if it isn't so easy? What if God is trying to use your painful past to write your redemption story?

Those of you that know me well know that my relational history is anything but perfect. Co-dependency, lies, abuse, neglect, cheating, and so much more. I went through hell time and time again, only to be left empty, brokenhearted, and longing for something that men were not able to provide me. (Note: By no means am I denying fault in any of my past relationships. I know that I am not perfect and have caused a fair amount of pain to others.)

For so long, I refused to give it over to God. I thought that my past made me broken and that I wasn't able to be fixed. I would always be "damaged." It took a few years of dedicated singleness for Him to show me that He could provide everything that I had been looking for: companionship, loyalty, love, sacrifice, and satisfaction. I had been drinking from the wrong well and spending all of my time being angry with God for allowing me to remain thirsty. I spent countless nights sobbing in the bottom of my closet, crying out for God to allow me to feel whole again.

From that broken place, He began a renewing work in my heart. He began to show me how much He loved me, how high of a price He paid for me, how valuable He believed I was, and how I wasn't damaged goods. My time spent alone with Jesus (sans-dating) allowed me to see Him as the ultimate picture of love.

Enter dating again. Everything that seemed so simple before began to be murky and unclear again. I began asking myself the age-old questions again:

"Am I really worth it?"

"Will I ever be able to trust again?"

"Is he in this for the wrong reasons?"

"Is he lying to me, cheating on me, or stringing me along?"

All of that peace and contentment that I found in Christ alone came crashing down around me. However, I stood in the face of every single one of those insecurities and lies and I smashed it with a truth that God wrote to me in one of his love letters:

"I am chosen by God and he delights in me."

"I have been made new and given the new clothes of Christ."

"God paid a high price for me and I have value."

"God has sealed up all of my broken places and made me whole again."

"Nothing can separate me from the love of Jesus."

Guess what? I got hurt again. Honestly, it hurt worse than it had before I fell passionately in love with Jesus. I became angry with God (again) for allowing me to fall for someone and have my heart stomped on. However, you know what He told me? "Beloved, I never promised you a life that would be easy or pain-free. You were made in my image. Look at my life. Look at the hurt I experienced and the suffering I endured at the cross for you. It was worth every drop of sweat, every ounce of blood, and every tear. You were worth it. You still are."

I learned the tough lesson that falling in love with Jesus and with someone who loves Him, too, doesn't keep you from getting hurt. However, it provides me with a safety net that will never allow me to drive myself to the deep, dark place that I went before. It reminds me that, at the end of the day, Jesus still loves me and that is enough. Let that sink in -- He is enough. Through this lesson, I began to encounter situations that brought forth extreme amounts of pain, anxiety, and depression in my life. God began to bring people, places, and things into my path that reminded me so much of the past that I felt like I was in my own personal hell. However, through all of that torment and pain, I began to see that He was so purposeful in bringing me full-circle. I was able to make new memories, conquer fears, and remind myself that my past has no power over my future. I began to be able to share my redemption story with others from a place of freedom instead of brokenness. I began to see what God meant when he told me so many years ago that "Experiential knowledge cannot be replaced with head knowledge. You have to allow Me to give you new experiences."

Now, I'm able to be in a relationship with healthy expectations and interactions, knowing that no matter what happens, I'm going to be okay. There is so much freedom knowing that God has a plan for my life -- and a good one, at that! He promises to prosper me, not to harm me, to give me hope, and a future! He is so faithful to His Word. I am free from the lie that says I need someone to make me happy. I am free from the lie that says what a man says about me determines how I value myself. I am free from the lie that says I have to have everything planned out before I allow myself to enjoy it. I am free from the lie that says if I open my heart, it's just going to get crushed. I am free from the lie that says that if I allow myself to be vulnerable that I will regret it.

God is writing my redemption story and it is full of freedom.